Saturday, June 24, 2006
Life with Nurses
I do not know the origins of this paper.
Ah, such mysterious, wondrous creatures are nurses. What treasures lurk
beneath those crisp, white uniforms, and what young man doesn't have
fantasies of discovering those secrets for himself.? SCREEEEEECH. Reality
check!
I've been married to a nurse for going on a quarter of a century, and let me
tell you, nurses are not what you expect (and I don't even care what you
expect, because you are wrong)! Let's begin by tearing down some of the more
famous assumptions about nurses right off the top:
The Nurse as Sex Kitten:
Anyone who lived through the early seventies or has made it a point to rent
such famous videos as "Night Duty Nurses" or "Student Nurses" or "Night
Duty Student Nurses" or any one of several dozen nurse-centric skin flicks
will be immediately struck by the fact that all nurses have heaving bosoms,
just millimeters away from popping out of skin tight white uniforms. You
will also learn that nurses always wear white garters and hose and high
heels. (This, of course, is a handy dress code because movie nurses spend *a
lot* of time hopping in and out of patient's beds.)
The reality is that most nurses wear scrubs - shapeless, draping hunks of
cotton that could cause you to breeze past Pamela Anderson without a second
look. Shoes are white, clunky, nursing shoes or tennies with blobs of things
on them better left unexplored. Socks replace white hose and garters, and
when is the last time anyone saw a nursing cap? Graduation, perhaps?
Now as far as a nurse hopping into your bed to relieve your "problem"... Get
a life, Bub! If you aren't sick they don't have time to mess with you, and
if you are sick, you probably look, feel and smell sick, not to mention,
they've seen "better." I don't care how good looking you are, they have
seen better and it was probably a doctor making lots of money or at least
someone who didn't smell bad.
The Nurse as an Angel:
If you want to hear the latest gross jokes, just find a nurse. Some
uninformed males seem to think of nurses as angelic creatures: demure and
loving, a cross between a nun and their Mom. Well, hate to bust your bubble,
guy, but as a group, nurses are some of the rawest folks you'll ever run into.
I don't care how sweet and demure they may look on the outside, inside is
someone who has seen things that would gag a maggot, break your heart or
drive a normal person nuts, so most nurses develop a very wicked sense of humor
squarely lodged in the black-to-sick side of the scale.
As I said above, nurses have almost always seen "better" and that includes
"personal" anatomy. Any male foolish enough to think that he ranks among the
Gods when it comes to endowment will be quickly dismayed to learn that his
sweet, little dear has seen MUCH better! Just bring the subject up and you will most likely hear about the head injury case she saw in nursing school while holding up her arm and grabbing her elbow with her hand to put things into scale. If you think your "little Willie" was king, well, you're wrong! In fact, I've never met a nurse that didn't have a BIG WILLIE story, so be forewarned.
Also, in case you are looking for sympathy for the little boo-boo you had
in the shop, forget it!
Let's say as a typical male klutz, you manage to saw your finger off. You go
running to your nurse wife or girlfriend, who is on the phone with a nurse
friend of hers. As she continues to talk to her friend, she slaps a towel
on your finger after giving the stub a good eyeballing, takes out a baggie
to put the severed digit in, tells you to get some ice while she is
explaining to her friend that her dummy SO just sawed his finger off. As
you stand there for 15 minutes she calmly finishes her conversation as
though nothing is going on until finally she says, "Well I guess I better
get Fred to the hospital." She hangs up the phone, looks at you, sighs and
says, "let's go."
You have just learned an important lesson. On the nurse scale of
emergencies, yours is about a minus 9! As my wife has told me, "when you
are on a ventilator, with six drips running and q 10 minute vitals, then you're
sick. Anything less than that isn't worth getting excited over!"
The Nurses Mutual Benefit Network:
As a male either dating or married to a nurse, you should realize one
important thing. There are nurses everywhere. That, in itself, is no big
deal. The fact is, every nurse knows other nurses who know more
nurses, so that by the time you are finished, a nurse on the Island nation
of Chuuk who observes you doing something you shouldn't has the immediate
capability of getting word to your wife or girlfriend. This system is way
more reliable and efficient than the Internet and has existed for a much
longer time. Take it for granted that your nurse SO will know about anything
you have done, good or bad, before you get home!
Your Social Life with Nurses:
Nurses hang out with other nurses and soon you may find that all your
friends are married to nurses. The reason this happens is because in
situations where nurses mingle with non-medical folks things can get ugly.
For example, you are out to dinner with your nurse SO another nurse couple
and two civilian couples. The nurses sit and chat, discussing fun things
like bleeding bowels, open sores, how much fat was sucked out of some
patient, projectile vomiting, traumatic amputations, etc., all over a nice pasta
dinner. The nurses carry on talking as the civilian couples turn funny
colors, make faces and suppress their gag reflexes and this is if the nurses
don't have any really gross things to share like the homeless guy with
maggots in his bleeding sores!
After several dinners and gatherings like this, you will soon find your
circle of friends has shrunk significantly. The key to avoiding this is to
do the following: Never go out in mixed groups with more than one nurse. A
lone nurse is OK. The trouble starts when you have more than one, and when
that happens, keep the regular folks away.
Another good rule is if you are going to be around a group of nurses at a social
gathering, be sure to sit with the non-nurses. You might as well, because
the nurses will be so busy talking among themselves about work that you and
any other non-nurse will be totally ignored.
Also get used to the idea that some friends and neighbors will take
advantage of the fact that your SO is a nurse by calling at all hours of the day
and night for advice. This may include male friends "dropping trou" to show your
sweetie his rash. The best advice I can give is to just deal with it and hope
it isn't contagious.
The Health Ramifications of being with a Nurse:
Most nurses have been described as having the constitution of horses,
which isn't true because I've been around horses and they get sick more often.
The reason for this is pretty simple. After about 3-5 years on the job,
nurses have been exposed to so many bugs that they either end up
dead or full of every antibody known to mankind. If you want the ultimate
booster shot, just get a blood transfusion from a nurse who's worked in a
hospital for 20 years!
That said, though, you don't have all these antibodies so when she comes
home with the sniffles, a week later you're flat on your back with the worse
case of the flu of your life! Oh, and if you are the least bit squeamish,
don't even think about the bugs she brings home on her clothes. It will
mess with your mind as she talks about her Resistant TB patient!
Conclusion:
Ah such mysterious, wondrous creatures are nurses. You know, they really
are and I thank God every day for nurses!
Ah, such mysterious, wondrous creatures are nurses. What treasures lurk
beneath those crisp, white uniforms, and what young man doesn't have
fantasies of discovering those secrets for himself.? SCREEEEEECH. Reality
check!
I've been married to a nurse for going on a quarter of a century, and let me
tell you, nurses are not what you expect (and I don't even care what you
expect, because you are wrong)! Let's begin by tearing down some of the more
famous assumptions about nurses right off the top:
The Nurse as Sex Kitten:
Anyone who lived through the early seventies or has made it a point to rent
such famous videos as "Night Duty Nurses" or "Student Nurses" or "Night
Duty Student Nurses" or any one of several dozen nurse-centric skin flicks
will be immediately struck by the fact that all nurses have heaving bosoms,
just millimeters away from popping out of skin tight white uniforms. You
will also learn that nurses always wear white garters and hose and high
heels. (This, of course, is a handy dress code because movie nurses spend *a
lot* of time hopping in and out of patient's beds.)
The reality is that most nurses wear scrubs - shapeless, draping hunks of
cotton that could cause you to breeze past Pamela Anderson without a second
look. Shoes are white, clunky, nursing shoes or tennies with blobs of things
on them better left unexplored. Socks replace white hose and garters, and
when is the last time anyone saw a nursing cap? Graduation, perhaps?
Now as far as a nurse hopping into your bed to relieve your "problem"... Get
a life, Bub! If you aren't sick they don't have time to mess with you, and
if you are sick, you probably look, feel and smell sick, not to mention,
they've seen "better." I don't care how good looking you are, they have
seen better and it was probably a doctor making lots of money or at least
someone who didn't smell bad.
The Nurse as an Angel:
If you want to hear the latest gross jokes, just find a nurse. Some
uninformed males seem to think of nurses as angelic creatures: demure and
loving, a cross between a nun and their Mom. Well, hate to bust your bubble,
guy, but as a group, nurses are some of the rawest folks you'll ever run into.
I don't care how sweet and demure they may look on the outside, inside is
someone who has seen things that would gag a maggot, break your heart or
drive a normal person nuts, so most nurses develop a very wicked sense of humor
squarely lodged in the black-to-sick side of the scale.
As I said above, nurses have almost always seen "better" and that includes
"personal" anatomy. Any male foolish enough to think that he ranks among the
Gods when it comes to endowment will be quickly dismayed to learn that his
sweet, little dear has seen MUCH better! Just bring the subject up and you will most likely hear about the head injury case she saw in nursing school while holding up her arm and grabbing her elbow with her hand to put things into scale. If you think your "little Willie" was king, well, you're wrong! In fact, I've never met a nurse that didn't have a BIG WILLIE story, so be forewarned.
Also, in case you are looking for sympathy for the little boo-boo you had
in the shop, forget it!
Let's say as a typical male klutz, you manage to saw your finger off. You go
running to your nurse wife or girlfriend, who is on the phone with a nurse
friend of hers. As she continues to talk to her friend, she slaps a towel
on your finger after giving the stub a good eyeballing, takes out a baggie
to put the severed digit in, tells you to get some ice while she is
explaining to her friend that her dummy SO just sawed his finger off. As
you stand there for 15 minutes she calmly finishes her conversation as
though nothing is going on until finally she says, "Well I guess I better
get Fred to the hospital." She hangs up the phone, looks at you, sighs and
says, "let's go."
You have just learned an important lesson. On the nurse scale of
emergencies, yours is about a minus 9! As my wife has told me, "when you
are on a ventilator, with six drips running and q 10 minute vitals, then you're
sick. Anything less than that isn't worth getting excited over!"
The Nurses Mutual Benefit Network:
As a male either dating or married to a nurse, you should realize one
important thing. There are nurses everywhere. That, in itself, is no big
deal. The fact is, every nurse knows other nurses who know more
nurses, so that by the time you are finished, a nurse on the Island nation
of Chuuk who observes you doing something you shouldn't has the immediate
capability of getting word to your wife or girlfriend. This system is way
more reliable and efficient than the Internet and has existed for a much
longer time. Take it for granted that your nurse SO will know about anything
you have done, good or bad, before you get home!
Your Social Life with Nurses:
Nurses hang out with other nurses and soon you may find that all your
friends are married to nurses. The reason this happens is because in
situations where nurses mingle with non-medical folks things can get ugly.
For example, you are out to dinner with your nurse SO another nurse couple
and two civilian couples. The nurses sit and chat, discussing fun things
like bleeding bowels, open sores, how much fat was sucked out of some
patient, projectile vomiting, traumatic amputations, etc., all over a nice pasta
dinner. The nurses carry on talking as the civilian couples turn funny
colors, make faces and suppress their gag reflexes and this is if the nurses
don't have any really gross things to share like the homeless guy with
maggots in his bleeding sores!
After several dinners and gatherings like this, you will soon find your
circle of friends has shrunk significantly. The key to avoiding this is to
do the following: Never go out in mixed groups with more than one nurse. A
lone nurse is OK. The trouble starts when you have more than one, and when
that happens, keep the regular folks away.
Another good rule is if you are going to be around a group of nurses at a social
gathering, be sure to sit with the non-nurses. You might as well, because
the nurses will be so busy talking among themselves about work that you and
any other non-nurse will be totally ignored.
Also get used to the idea that some friends and neighbors will take
advantage of the fact that your SO is a nurse by calling at all hours of the day
and night for advice. This may include male friends "dropping trou" to show your
sweetie his rash. The best advice I can give is to just deal with it and hope
it isn't contagious.
The Health Ramifications of being with a Nurse:
Most nurses have been described as having the constitution of horses,
which isn't true because I've been around horses and they get sick more often.
The reason for this is pretty simple. After about 3-5 years on the job,
nurses have been exposed to so many bugs that they either end up
dead or full of every antibody known to mankind. If you want the ultimate
booster shot, just get a blood transfusion from a nurse who's worked in a
hospital for 20 years!
That said, though, you don't have all these antibodies so when she comes
home with the sniffles, a week later you're flat on your back with the worse
case of the flu of your life! Oh, and if you are the least bit squeamish,
don't even think about the bugs she brings home on her clothes. It will
mess with your mind as she talks about her Resistant TB patient!
Conclusion:
Ah such mysterious, wondrous creatures are nurses. You know, they really
are and I thank God every day for nurses!
Can I get an Amen?
