Monday, February 28, 2011


Gas Prices Return To Normal

Franklin , Tennessee - Tom got out the old gas price signs ass the price of gas continues another spiral climb upwards.

BVD: Tom , what is this? More body parts?
Tom: Well you know how it is. An arm or a leg is still good no matter how bad the economy gets. I mean like just look at this sign here. All I did was dust it off and put it back on the street.
BVD: A Hem , I see. Do you still offer discounts?
Tom: And just how do I discount an arm or a leg? Huh?
BVD : ! ? !

Thursday, February 24, 2011


What Did Jesus Preach Again?

Franklin , Tennessee - how many of you know about Jehovah's Witnesses? How many of you know about The Purple Triangle?

Jehovah's Witnesses go around doing their witness act in an effort to win over Souls for Christ.

The Purple Triangle relates their persecution by the Nazi's during WW II. The Jews wore a star and The Witnesses wore a Purple Triangle. In other words , it was'nt just the Jews being persecuted , OK?

How many people know that right here in Franklin , some Witnesses took payment in return for helping to harass and hurt someone? I was wondering , is this really what Jesus taught? Is doing these kinds of "Kind Deeds" to others really what the Bible is all about? Is this really the way to God?

Hmmmmmm. I'm just asking some questions here folks , nothing more.

What are your thoughts here?

Wednesday, February 23, 2011


Black Hole Found at Vanderbilt

Vanderbilt University , Nashville , Tennessee - BVD News reporting in today , for The Vanderbilt Hassler

The Vanderbilt Astronomy and Physics Department grad students stumbled onto a Black Hole , right outside the Stephenson Center.
While on the scene , BVD asked the people standing around , how such a hole could be found here in the first place and a physics grad student stepped up to the mic and said , " I was just walking along , singing a song , to my adviser about my failing grads , when suddenly , I heard a scream ! And that's when I noticed , he was'nt listening to me any more. Only by my sheer superior intellect , did I think about looking around inside my universe and that's when I noticed this big black hole was lying right there on the ground. Can you imagine such a thing ? Oh , hey , I do get to name it , right ? I mean , don't I ? "
Pictured , are School of Engineering professors Bowers and Gueirmo , demonstrating the dangers of Black Holes on the ground , while Professor Mahehaha , looks on.

BVD : Well ? What do you think ?
Professor Mahehaha : Well , I don't think slippery bananas and black holes , are a good mix.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011


Interview with Professor Bowers

Vanderbilt University , BVD News - Professor Bowers of the Civil Engineering Department granted BVD an interview in between phone calls.
BVD : Wow , another phone call , you're a very popular guy. What's your secret
Bowers : It's a special blend of Gatorade , spices , mints , Tennessee indigenous roots , dog testosterone and Viagra
BVD : When do you have time to teach
Bowers : Teach , who , me ? Now that's funny. I have grad students to teach my classes. It's my job to assist with learning here in my office.
BVD : Well , that explains the brass bed.
Bowers : Ha ha ha , yeah , snickering
BVD : How did you get started
Bowers : I felt sorry for a grad student who was failing. She just did'nt have the brain pan to get a Phd. , so I married her. Life was great , like you know , the best head in 52 states , when she finished up , she divorced me and went back home to Greece , and I've been bed flippin ever since.
BVD : Did she ever use her Phd.
Bowers : Of course not , like I said , she did'nt have much of a brain pan
BVD : Are'nt some of these girls a little young
Bowers : I'm faculty , what's your point
The phone rings
BVD : Later......

Monday, February 21, 2011


Vanderbilt University 2011 ASCE Steel Bridge Competition

Vanderbilt University - This is the time of year when Vanderbilt ASCE student chapter is preparing to go to the ASCE Competition , where 26 other student chapters will compete in various competitions.
These competitions include - concrete cylinder strength test , concrete canoe racing , how to read a map , survey ( has nothing to do with reading a map ) , mystery event , find a faculty member to represent you , ( has nothing to do with the mystery event ) , balsa bridge , T-shirt , banner , calculating beer absorption , determine how many ASCE members will fit into a hotel room , and of course , the steel bridge.
The HUSTLER officially sent BVD & Jerry to check out this year's 2011 steel bridge , which has already been proclaimed this years winner by the national level ASCE judges , before the competition can begin.

When Jerry asked how a winner could be named so early , he was told , " It's all about the money " .

Note: Pictured is a bridge design that this year's Vanderbilt ASCE organization has based their own design on.

Friday, February 18, 2011


CONAN's Brain Pan

Vanderbilt University - BVD News - When Conan learned he had been turned down by Vanderbilt Undergrad Admissions(again)for lack of credentials , he showed off his brain pan. " Look , see ? There really is something in here. "
Dean of Vanderbilt Undergrad Admissions replied , " OK , butt , perhaps if that trash can was Black and Gold , instead of blue , we might have made an exception in his case. "

Thursday, February 17, 2011


Vanderbilt University - ASCE 2011

Vanderbilt University - people have asked for more about Vandy ASCE. OK , here goes. If Vanderbilt gave an award for the most ignored student organization , ASCE would win with no competition. Their professors don't want anything to do with them because it's toooo much work. I stepped up to the plate for a while and they won several awards in competition against other universities. Those same lazy professors got jealous over those awards and took them for themselves so they could pat themselves on their own back for someone else work.
Today , Vanderbilt ASCE continues to struggle against the lazy professors and no headway has been made. So , to get around this apathy , the students are plagiarizing their college information for getting employment. The month of March is ASCE time when 20 universities will have at each other on land and water competition. These pics are from t-shirts of the past.

Oh yeah , and don't forget about those test files. You get more class files , when you take part in ASCE. AND , you get the complete set , when you join ASCE.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011



Vanderbilt University - BVD News-David Letterman spoke to the student body last night about the Honor System at Vanderbilt.
When he was finished , the questions being asked , showed that many students did'nt understand , or they just were'nt listening due to Ipod interference.
Mr. Letterman quickly summed up his hour long lecture by simply saying , " Look everybody , this is Vanderbilt , being honest while taking exams , is just like people at CBS knowing they can't watch the NBC winter olympic games , which simply means , who cares. "

Tuesday, February 15, 2011


Vanderbilt ASCE 2011 Competition

Vanderbilt University , School of Engineering - Nashville , Tennessee , BVD News was getting all excited with this years upcoming 2011 ASCE competition , when they realized that Vanderbilt had once again dropped the ball , ( yes , again )

BVD : Jerry , what the Hell is goin on over there ?
Jerry : Well BVD , it's like this. Having a dysfunctional chairman for half a century takes time to heal.
BVD : W-w-w-what ?
Jerry : Yep. Chairman Thackston was about ass dysfunctional ass one can be. There were so many jokes about him that Vanderbilt actually fired his ass , butt , because he suffered from chronic Brain Farts associated with Tenure , he was immediately re-hired , only to be fired again and again and again and yes , again.
BVD : How many times can a person be fired at Vanderbilt ?
Jerry : That depends on the number of friends you have and how much money you have and how much drugs you spread around. You know , the typical Brown Nose routine. Remember Gee ? Things got so bad around here for Thackston , he was last seen with brown rings around his neck.
BVD : Daaaang ! Now THAT's a Brown Noser ! Hey , I was just looking at this years web site for the ASCE 2011 Conference and nothing I click on works. Why not ?
Jerry : You have to remember , you are dealing with Civil engineers. None of them are civil or even computer tolerant. And today , the Vanderbilt Civil Department is chaired by a Chemical engineer. Besides , it's a sure bet , nobody at Vanderbilt knows what's going on any way and that includes finding someone who even knows what a ASCE is. You have got to remember , you are dealing with Vanderbilt engineering and not a Chinese fire drill.
BVD : The Civil department is chaired by a Chemical engineer ? That's absurd !
Jerry : Welcome to Vanderbilt everyone. And PLEASE , please don't get lost , while looking for MTSU

Monday, February 14, 2011



Vanderbilt University - BVD News , it was disclosed today , that The New and Improved and Recycled Tonight Show host , Jay Leno , was seen at the Vanderbilt University Branscomb Quad, giving undergrads pointers on how to party just in time for 2011 ASCE Conference and The Rites of Spring.
Leno stated off the record , " It's important these kids know how to party hardy. "
Later , Ms. Schit , ASCE president who is also engaged to marry (again) Professor Alan Bowers said , " We are so fortunate to have a celebrity of Mr. Leno's caliber drop by. Now we all know how to drink alcohol excessively , while having a good time. " Ms. Schit also remarked that it was no accident having Jay Leno on campus , this early into the school year , she replied , " Having Mr. Cool Jay Leno here right now , allows him to address the ASCE 2011 Student Conference. Historically speaking , Vanderbilt has always sucked at the ASCE conference and the 2011 conference is'nt going to be any different , so learning how to properly drink alcohol in great quantities in front of the other attending colleges and universities , gives the Vanderbilt students an edge with something to excel at and with bragging rights I might add , in the presence of the other SEC schools. "

Ms. Schit later chuckled , "We'll be the envious talk of the town ass we drink them under the banquet table at this year's ASCE Conference. Everyone else may have all of the prizes , butt this , we can excel at."

Friday, February 11, 2011


Undergrads prepare to Leave Vanderbilt

Vanderbilt University- BVD News - when Spring semester starts winding down , and the undergrads are getting ready for the great migration to return home. Many will be selling off their stuff , so they won't have to take it with them.

The greatest sale on earth can only be found in THE HUSTLER.

Thursday, February 10, 2011



Vanderbilt University - BVD News - Vanderbilt announced that it was becoming more difficult to recruit qualified freshman for the 2012 class and also needed was more ways to diversify the student body.
During a Greek Greet and Meat , the suggestion was on the floor to look for talented people out side the box.
Hence , Vanderbilt has decided to use a talent agency in Hollywood to help with recruiting and to make entry into the Vanderbilt bubble even more expensive.


Vanderbilt Tenure

I get questions all the time about Vanderbilt and this one caught my eye - Does having Tenure keep a professor from being fired for having sex with a student?

Yes it can help. Keep in mind , the first step is the university will try to get a confession from the professor which could get him fired regardless. However , if the professor is in good standing with the other faculty members , that professor will most likely keep their position.

You would be surprised at the number of "Daddys" at Vanderbilt. They always have their eye out for "Daddy's Little Girl" and it seems there are plenty around to be found.

Sexual predators are always out there , somewhere. It's just a fact of life we have here in America.

Wednesday, February 09, 2011



The Vanderbilt University student chapter vice president for ASCE was on David Letterman last night to demonstrate this years 2011 steel bridge design.
When he discovered he was working on the wrong project , the vice president got a little confused.

Tuesday, February 08, 2011


ASCE 2011 Student Conference Mystery Event

Vanderbilt University - BVD News , ass the count down towards this years ASCE Student Conference draws near , Vanderbilt University students continued wondering what to do. And ass usual , someone got their hands on some study material for this years ASCE 2011 Mystery Event.

Being unable to find a Vanderbilt professor , BVD once again went to Doc. V. , Dean of the PAVE Program , for the Vanderbilt School of Engineering. When asked about this film , Doc. V. replied , " Vanderbilt 's Civil Engineering students have always prided themselves at being resourceful in finding ways to learn new things. For example , they use test files to pass their classroom exams and in this case , they have this film , showing what this years mystery event is. "

BVD : Butt Doc. V. , is'nt the mystery event supposed to be a mystery ?
Doc. V. : Well of course it is stupid , butt , how can our students have a chance to even compete in this event , if they don't know what it is beforehand ?

Monday, February 07, 2011



Vanderbilt University - Although it's the month of February. Vanderbilt 's student chapter of the American Society of Civil Engineers , decided they had worked hard enough plagiarizing and basically doing nothing about the upcoming 2011 ASCE student conference. So , Cathy Schit , president of ASCE , decided to have a ASCE pep rally to boost everyone's attitude for the upcoming Vandy vs. UT football game.
Professor Bowers , who is engaged to President Schit , showed up at the rally and broke the sad news that the football game was last year. In addition , Professor Bowers started reminding everyone about all the work still to be done for the ASCE conference.
Things were looking pretty gloomy for the party and partiers when someone mentioned the easy button.
One argument led to another when finally , Professor Bowers caved in , and handed over one million dollars from the Civil Engineering department's budget ( slush fund ) to President Schit to have the EASY button researched . Ms. Schit , having more common sense than Bowers , immediately stuffed the money into her pocket and came forth with her very own EASY button.
In front of an astonished crowd , she pushed the button while making her wish. Although nothing happened , the crowd went wild and the party continued into the next morning.
When asked about her engagement and the money , Ms. Schit replied ," I know a easy mark and EASY money when I see it . Don't tell Bowers. "

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