Wednesday, May 31, 2006
Franklin Police Shoot Budget
BVD : Why did you shoot up your budget ?
Moore : We needed the target practice.
BVD : Can you explain the 600,000 dollar increase for next year's ammo ?
Moore : We need bullets.
BVD : Wow , those are pretty big bullets.
Moore : You should see the guns.
Gore Proves Global Warming
Franklin Firefighters Save Lives
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
Franklin Government Hears Protest
Franklin Tennessee , BVD - The City of Franklin Aldermen entertain a protester during a closed to the public meeting.
Franklin's Political Face
Franklin Tennessee , BVD News - Tom Miller , Franklin's assistant to Governor Jay Johnson , showed off his real image during a closed to the public meeting last night.
Tom was heard to say , " Look , just because the citizens of Franklin are complaining about poor water quality , electrical failure of 50 year old equipment , excessive numbers of illegal traffic citations , a Franklin Police sexual predator , raising taxes , the lose of historical lands for super Wal Marts , fighting the Firefighters union , State Farm denying our insurance claims , people paying city taxes without getting city services , codes not doing their job , slick roads due to undercutting budgets , and Kroger not selling Rocky Road ice cream. Things are not all that bad here. "
Monday, May 29, 2006
My Memorial Day in Pictures
Anonymous in Franklin
Franklin Tennessee , BVD News finally tracked down anonymous' family doctor , in an effort to understand her problem. The doctor's name is with held for anonymous reasons.
Doctor : Ass you can see , Mr. Anon has a serious man-evelant structural problem.
BVD : What would cause this ?
Doctor : There was obviously too much strain , in the cantalever position.
BVD : What other problems would there be ?
Doctor : Well , obviously , Mrs. Anon has a supplemental dietary protien deficiency , causing a female hormone imbalance.
BVD : Well.....Obviously.
Doctor : Exactly
New Weather Signs at WKRN
Nashville Tennessee , BVD News , WKRN Channel 2 News has new weather signs. WKRN is ambitiously revamping their News 2 News and weather reporting , in an effort to become numer 1 in middle Tennessee. Pictured is an example of weather signs to come in their weather reporting.
This sign has News 2 New meanings , look around the blue sky and you'll see parts of clouds.
If the sign is dripping wet , it's raining , if the sign is dry , it's not raining.
WKRN's weather manager stated " We tried to use new weather words , and that did'nt work , so maybe this time , we 're on to something. "
BVD asked , " Have you tried using weather wood ? "
Franklin Goes Brown
Franklin Tennessee , BVD News - Franklin's City Sewer system had a containment breach over the weekend , causing several traffic accidents and flooding along Mack Hatcher. Governor of Franklin Jay Johnson explains what happened.
" Franklin 's affluent effluence is constantly on the increase. We have to put it somewhere , so naturally , we put it into the sewer. Only this time , the amount of effluent deposits exceeded the sewer's capacity. "
BVD : How do you explain the slippery road conditions at Cool Springs ?
Johnson : Wait , are you asking me about Mack Hatcher or Cool Springs ?
BVD : What's the difference ?
Johnson : Mack Hatcher roads are slippery because the sewer could'nt contain Franklin's effluence. Cool Springs is slippery because of the brown additive we put into the asphalt mix.
BVD : You're telling me , you had effluence put into the roads around Cool Springs ?
Jay : Hey , we had to put it somewhere. The EPA is watching.
BVD : Then , does this also explain the effluent smell at Franklin High School football games ?
Top picture shows typical scene in Cool Springs when the roads get wet. Bottom shows the affluent current crossing Mack Hatcher
Sunday, May 28, 2006
Anonymous in Franklin Found
Franklin Tennessee , BVD News learned there's a new B/Movement in Franklin Because this is an anonymous town , BVD scoured the landscape looking for someone anonymous to talk to.
Finally , at one house , BVD found her. Standing in the doorway looking in , one side of the wall was covered in networking computers with a baby jumping up and down on a keyboard giggling , looking towards the kitchen was seen an ominous anonymous mess. The sounds of screaming children , together with the smell of omnipotent effluence mixed with affluent diapers was rampant. BVD profusely apologised saying " Wrong house. " , and leaft
President Bush Resolves Immigrant Issue
Bush : There you are folks , that's my plan to use the National Guard to defend our borders.
BVD : Mr. President , you are using the National Guard in Iraq , you still have the Guard in New Orleans , the Guard is helping in Maine , you have the Guard in other places all over the world that are too numerious to list. What are your intentions for the Army ?
Bush : We have an Army ?
Saturday, May 27, 2006
Hey Anonymous ! !
What's with people these days ? Why do they act the way they do ? A judge says a rapist can't go to prison because he's too short. A Franklin troller bad mouths others to make herself feel better. A man dies on Everest while tourists take pictures , instead of giving help.Then there's State Farm Insurance refusing to do the right thing.
Simon does'nt know any better
Mary is just being herself
Richard does'nt care
Bush Resolves Illegal Issues
Bush stated how happy he was to resolve an issue that had legal support for a change.
Friday, May 26, 2006
WKRN Up in Smoke
Nashville Tennessee , BVD News , this morning , while BVD was interviewing people rescuing stranded cats from atop of abandoned mail boxes , an explosion was heard around Nashville. At the scene , WKRN lay in ruins. BVD found WKRN 's blogger Manager Brittney of Nashville is Talking fame all alone.
BVD : Brittney , are you alright ? What happened ?
Brittney : Yeah , I'm alright. I was just doing the blog thing , when the pressure relief blogging valve failed to blog , you know how it is , all those blogs , here a blog , there a blog , everywhere a blog blog , then the eblogger logger mail started blogging up , then my PMS blog kicked in with all those silly little mood blogs of mine , and then I reckon my computer blog reached critical blogger mass.
BVD : Well , at least you're alright.
Brittney : Yeah. ( looks around ) Hey , where's that blogging computer ?
Franklin Police Squabble
BVD : What's going on ?
A : Well , we have 2 officers squabbling about their tickets.
BVD : You mean one officer wrote more than the other ?
A : No , no , nothing like that.
BVD : ?
A : Don't tell nobody , butt , here's what happened. That guy is a meter maid. ( pointing ) Well , he gave this officer ( pointing again ) a parking ticket , OK , so that officer asked the meter maid to come across the street to explain his ticket. Well , Hee , Hee , Hee , that officer then gave the meter maid a ticket for jaywalking.
Thursday, May 25, 2006
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
Vandy - O - Matic - Wash - O - Matic
Vanderbilt University , Vandyland , BVD News , there's now an official Wash - O - Matic for Vanderbilt faculty and students. Located across from the former Vandyland , it promises fast cleaning for those on the go. It features a patented cellphone lint free dry cycle , the special Jergens skin wash , toner and softener treatment for women , the ever popular optional bikini wax , and the exclusive men's Cyclone Wash for those extra stubborn stains. This is an official Vandy - O - Matic -Wash - O - Matic so be sure to have your Vanderbilt I.D. ready to get your 10% discount. So come on in and jump in , they quarantee you will be in and out in 15 minutes , or your next wash is free.
Goodyear , er , ah , Lightyear
The new movie CARS is out. Paul Newman plays a voice. Goodyear changed it's name on the blimps to Lightyear for promotional reasons.
Note : For those who have'nt heard , Spiderman III is coming soon.
Vanderbilt University Investigates Missing Pieces Parts
Vanderbilt - BVD News , today BVD learned the investigation into the Vanderbilt Medical Center's Cadaver Department , is still ongoing.
" The dead seem to just get up and walk away. " said a VUPD spokesperson.
I love it , with high gas prices , this sign is now across America , from sea to shining sea.
FranklinKoolAid finds Franklin 's Taxing Problems
City of Franklin , Municipal Government Complex on the Square , BVD News , FranklinKoolAid confronted Jay Johnson about the need for increasing Franklin 's taxes. Johnson responded by saying , " It's getting deep around here. Really deep. The brown stuff seems to increase everyday , and Franklin 's government has to compensate for the costs increase in over flow. "
FranklinKoolAid replied , " Yeah , I know , butt , I'm referring to your increasing Franklin 's taxes to compensate for your increase of over flow. "
Paula Abdul on Simon
Access Hollywood , Paula leaked out Simon's little secret. It's a push up bra , with full support , it even has a custom fitted under wire to give a more true form.
President Bush finds Cash Cow
In his latest news conference , Snow accidentally leaked to the press , that President Bush has discovered a Cash Cow right under everyone's nose.
When Vice President Cheney visited Nashville for a fund raiser , he brought in 200,000 dollars. The Nashville government announced , that to protect the vice president , tax payers spent 300,000 dollars.
Upon learning this , President Bush has sent memo's to all the major cities to give costs estimates should he decide to visit their city. The president then advises to send him the money , and he won't come to town and clog up their highways during rush hour.
President Bush is on record stating , " It's all a part of his strategic planning under his creative economic stay at home plan , to save gas."
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
Can You Read ?
With all the fuss about learning English , I was wondering , is learning English really all that important ?
Let's keep this simple. ABC college is up for inspection. A person from CBA College is on the ABET committee.
Now , the CBA person finds something wrong at ABC. Not a problem , since ABC already knows that CBA is next on the inspection list. ABC and CBA agree not to disclose any problems , and they each get a clean bill of health.
How bad is this practice ? While I was there , ABET inspected Vanderbilt's Civil Engineering Department. This inspection took place in an expensive hotel , with expensive food , drink , ect. Examples of student reports were looked over. These examples are 15 + years old. Only the name was changed to show a currently enrolled student. No one on the ABET team set foot on the Vanderbilt campus. No need to. The Civil Department got a clean bill of health and no inspection for 7 years. How 'bout that ? Now have you learned anything about education ? It's all about the politics.
How Franklin Police Handles Complaints
BVD : I'm aware , that over the years , the public has come forward with complaints against Franklin Police officers. How do you deal with these problems ?
Barnes : You are correct. Been digging into our history have you ?
BVD : No , it's common knowledge
Barnes : I see. Well , dealing with complaints is rather simple really. In the past , we had Jay Johnson to shield us from an ungrateful public. Today , we have CALEA. This means we have certification accreditation. So , we just point out to the complainant's attorney and/or the judge , that the public does not have certification accreditation. Therefore , that person does'nt have the certification qualification to know what they are talking about.
BVD : What about those complaints regarding your stalker ?
Barnes : Look , he is an officer of the law , who happens to be going to gynecology night school. How else do you expect him to recieve hands on experience ?
City of Franklin gets Protection
Franklin Tennessee , Government City , Municipal Government Complex on the Square in the City of Franklin - BVD News , BVD was on hand for the City of Franklin 's government officials official announcement that the Municipal Government Complex was getting more protection.
Jay Johnson , Governor of Government City , City of Franklin said , " With government officials and government employees going into strange areas , having surveillance cameras in those areas is'nt enough. This way , we can help protect our own asses in ways never before thought possible.
Tom Miller , assistant to Jay Johnson , was in total agreement saying " We all know how politics and musical beds go together. We just want the ability to have some kind of protection. "
Monday, May 22, 2006
President Bush on New Orleans
Franklin Police Catch Thieves
BVD : Why did it take 5 years to finally end this case ?
Barnes : Well , you know , we've been rather busy. It took us 10 years just to get rid of that Taylor guy.
BVD : Are you related to Commander Barnes ?
Barnes : Why , yes I am.
BVD : Is'nt that like nepotismism ?
Barnes : The City of Franklin has passed ordinances , for the Franklin Police Department to hire who ever they feel is qualified.
BVD : Wow , Franklin's government actually accomplished something.
Barnes : Hey , do you have a drivers liscence ?
BVD : Er , ah , no , I don't drive. I rode the Franklin Trolly to get here.
Barnes : Well then , you're under arrest.
BVD : Huh ? What for ?
Barnes : Franklin City Ordinance 13-13-13-001-013-13-00013. I'm arresting you on suspicious suspicion of not living in Franklin.
BVD : Butt , I DON'T live in Franklin , I never said I did.
Barnes : See ? I had a suspicious hunch you did'nt belong around here.
Med Center McDonalds Makes Changes
Vanderbilt University Hospital - BVD News , Chancellor Gee joined forces with the McDonalds Restaurant in the Vanderbilt Hospital , to pass out free Mexican style Happy Meals , to announce the new packaging promotion for Spanish speaking people.
BVD : Er , ah , hmm , Chancellor Gee , ahmm , that aint Spanish.
Vanderbilt RAND Makes Changes
BVD has learned that Vanderbilt University RAND Brand Foods will change the label packaging on their food line to accomodate Mexican/Americans who cannot read english.
Saturday, May 20, 2006
VANDERBILT TRAUMA DOC MAKES ANOTHER FIRST
At a special press conference , Vanderbilt Trauma Doc Morris told everyone , that he had found Chairman Thaxton's mental problem. By using state of the art bio mechanical biometrics with co operation from Vanderbilt Hospital Channel One ( VH1 ) , Doc Morris proudly explained he has found Thaxton's brain waves.
Pictured is a highly enhanced , digitaly pixeled tv picture. Ass you can see , Thaxton's thought processes are similar to the broadcast signals from COMCAST. It's no wonder he can't think.
When asked if Morris knew what the cause was , he replied , " Look's to me like he does'nt have anything to think with , could be a birth defect. I have applied for research money to study this anomaly further. "
Vanderbilt Closes English Department
Gee : Ass you already know , the Mexican people now have a voice in our government and they have made it very clear , that to impose the english language on their culture would constitute racisism
BVD : So what happens now ?
Gee : Our English professors will be replaced with Spanish professors , and we will have a new , approved and improved Spanish Department.
Friday, May 19, 2006
Franklin Police Mack Hatcher Speed Trap
When Mack Hatcher first opened , from Franklin Road to Hillsboro Road , the speed limit was 55mph. Going back to Franklin Road , the speed limit was 45mph.
Franklin Police ran radar in the medium to catch speeders both ways at once. How many people got a ticket on Mack Hatcher for speeding in a 45 speed zone ? Yes , the ticketing officer knew this. Yes , the officer was laughing about it. Yes , the traffic court judge knew this. Yes , the judge put a percentage of the ticket money in his pocket. And yes , The City of Franklin government knew about it.
And yes , The Review Appeal could not report this.
Thursday, May 18, 2006
Franklin Police , Question ?
Question : If Dateline were to set their sexual predator trap in Franklin , how many Franklin Police officers would they catch ?
Answer : I don't know.
Franklin Red Dog Wine $ Spirits
Everyone has those moments when they just need a drink. This is where Red Dog Wine $ Spirits serves the public's interests.
Red Dog , located at 1031Riverside Drive , 794 9866 , beside the Home Depot , has a deal just for you. Their former bartender has a sticky finger on your money. When he gives change , the cost per bottle averages 1.05 more a bottle than the advertised price. Hmmmmm
Franklin Police Report Record Month in Sales
BVD : Commander , people are talking about the number of citations your people issued last month , can you elaborate ?
Barnes : Yes , it's no rumor , the department set a new record for the number of citations issued in one months time.
BVD : Do you have an explanation for this ?
Barnes : Yes , it's simple really , it's just plain ole simple motovation
BVD : I don't understand
Barnes : Of course you don't , being a civilian , you're not supposed to understand
BVD : Will you please explain what's going on with the record number of citations?
Barnes : I was doing that before you interrupted me
BVD : I'm sorry , please continue
Barnes : It's simple really , in the past , officers were given quotas , then moral dropped because our people were feeling bad for writing tickets for no good and/or legal reason. Then , we got smart , we started offering paid vacations with the family to Disney World. Well , ticket numbers started going up , then when we tossed in trips to Hawaii , the numbers and moral went through the roof.
BVD : I don't understand how a police department can treat people this way , I mean , the public's tax dollars pays for having protection from crime and such , and I also understand police officers don't get tickets , is that correct ?
Barnes : You are correct , how would we look to the public if we ticketed our own ?
BVD : How much revenue was brought in last month ?
Barnes : This is a police department , you are asking me to divulge private , confidential and classified information
BVD : I don't get this , the people of Franklin pay for this department with their taxes , don't you answer to the people
Barnes : Well , it's like this , the Franklin Police Department is just like the President of the United States , we have an agenda from the people , and we answer to no one.
President Bush Celebrates Approval Ratings
Washington - BVD News , ABC released their new ratings findings , showing President Bush is now tied with Congress. The president was so estatic , he invited protestors to the White House lawn to celebrate.
NBC Dateline Looses Sexual Predator
New Jersey - BVD News , While NBC Dateline was tapping the arrest of a sexual predator , the Jersey Devil came out of nowhere and grabbed him before police could make the arrest. Although efforts were made to track down the Devil , the police backed off , finding the sexual predator's remains , the trail continued on deep into the Pine Barrens. The victim's blood and genitals had been viciously removed.
Searching the sexual predator's car , police found , Cool Whip , cookies , margerine , duct tape , rope , electrical cord , saran wrap , hand cuffs , used condoms , several soiled panties , camera , pictures of young girls , bloody knife , little black book , ect.
During the day , Dateline had already drawn 11 sexual predators. Police think the smell of these particular men being in one place , drew the Devil to the scene.
The Jersey Devil has eluded capture for years and is known for it's ferocious , verocious appetite for blood and testosterone.
Top picture shows the Devil going for it's helpless prey on Dateline's cameras , while police watch in horror.
Bottom picture shows what police think the Jersey Devil looks like in daylight.
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
Franklin 's Harpeth River
BVD interviewed David Kayes and Bill Davis while doing their part to help clean up Franklin's notoriuos Harpeth River
Bill : Yeah , the river is best known for it's Black Bass
David : Of course they're black , they don't have any clean water to bathe in
NSA Telephone Surveillance
Bell South and Verizon have always co operated with law enforcement and that includes government agencies. Today , with digital communication technology , eavesdropping technology has kept up.
For about 7,000 dollars , law enforcement has bought the suitcase. This allows listening to any cell phone call in the area , and it makes the jump with the call from tower to tower. And , yes , even private investigators ( PIs ) have this suitcase. So , why do Americans have their panties in a wad ?
Simple , law enforcement , through your net provider , monitor your internet useage. In other words , telephone monitoring is just one piece of the espionage pyramid puzzle that your phone company has access too in your private little world , and they don't want to talk about it. Keep in mind , the phone companies have always had internal departments for monitoring phone calls within their service. No , they won't talk about that either , since law enforcement has direct access to them. And yes , Franklin Police has the suitcase.
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
Franklin Police Take Care of Their Own
A young lady was sitting at the four way at Cool Springs , waiting for the red light to change. A woman driver comes from her left , and swerved while tending her baby , hitting this young lady , removing the front end from her car.
This woman had another baby in the back seat. She has two addresses , no driver license , no insurance , no job , three boyfriends , lives with mom , and is a friend to a Franklin Police officer.
The Franklin Police officer writing the MVA report stated , " the young lady was at fault , for not stopping at the light. " The report continues saying , that the woman has insurance through this young lady. ( ? ) , and the report clearly shows a drawing of both car's movement and direction. This young lady was clearly at fault , despite witness statements saying otherwise , and were deliberately omitted from the MVA report per Franklin Police.
The young lady's insurance adjuster laughed uncontrollably from reading the MVA report. By looking at the drawings and the events leading up to the accident , this woman was driving in a circle in the middle of the four way. Now that is funny. The report is full of misspellings. I wonder if the Franklin Police officer can spell " accredited " ? ( No fair peeking at the side of the patrol car. )
The young lady's insurance took care of her car , while refusing to do anything for the woman.
President Bush in the Eyes of Other Countries
Looking around the world. President Bush just does'nt rate very high , if at all. Bush has sent American fighting forces all over this world to resolve peace and world order , this is how we are portrayed for helping. Like it or not , Americans are compaired to their leader. Bush speaks for all us in the big picture. Here's his.
President Bush gets remedial Reading Lessons
The president was seen at Washington Elementary while catching up on remedial reading.
BVD was told Bush is working on improving his popularity ratings by learning how to read so he could understand them.
Channel 5 Improves Their News
BVD was on hand ass Channel 5 showed off their new news technology.
Chris : We can now report the news in new ways never before thought possible. We can now be First , Fast , and Accurate
BVD : What kind of news were you reporting before this ?
Monday, May 15, 2006
President Bush Makes Border Deal
On prime time tv , President Bush spoke about his resolve to use National Guard troops to seal and defend our borders. While the guard does their job , their resposibilities will include looking the other way when immigrants are in the area. Feeling excited with himself for being a decisive decider , Bush asked the illegal immigrants in the audience, " Deal or no Deal "