Thursday, May 31, 2007
Ooooo , J. J. ! !
Franklin , Tennessee - BVD was strolling thru city hall when some strange noises were heard cumming from Jay Johnson's office. When he inquired with the folks next door , a receptionist replied , " Oh that's just JJ having another counseling session with the city's therapist. "
Gotcha ! ! ! ! !
Franklin , Tennessee - BVD News - Franklin's downtown garage has been the subject of several rumors lately until some cameras were installed. Yes everyone , that's Jay Johnson wearing a rubber head while getting it on with the Cookie Monster inside a van. The rumors are rumor no more.
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
A New Bus
Franklin , Tennessee - BVD caught a glimpse of the new country tour bus for country singers. The owner/driver has been keeping quiet about it. In the past , the owner has been busy stealing stuff , hauling heavy loads , and other miscellaneous deeds. He hopes his new image will get him a few more loads into the country before the law realizes he switched buses.
The Holiday Picnic
Franklin , Tennessee , Jim Warren Park - BVD was on hand for The City of Franklin's Memorial Day Feast , to honor all city employees with a free lunch. Jay Johnson was present to give a few selected city employees a trophy and a handshake. Other employees banded together and gave JJ a few words of their own.
Monday, May 28, 2007
Special Memorial Day Sale
Nolensville , Tennessee - Scott Revoir is having a special holiday sale to commerate this country's fighting men and women , who keep Americans free and safe from the bad guys. BVD went over to Excel Constructors to talk with Scott.
BVD : Wow Scott , look at all these lawn chairs , there must be hundreds of them here. What kind of savings are you offering to your customers ?
Scott : Ha Ha Ha , well , you are looking at 304 chairs. Ass you can see , I have a little bit of all kinds of styles and colors. The savings will be determined by the number of chairs a person buys.
BVD : How does that work ?
Scott : Well , the more chairs you buy , the more money you save.
BVD : Can I ask where in the world did you get all these chairs ? Did some foriegn company go out of buisness and you bought their stock ?
Scott : Oh No ! Heh Heh Heh. Ass ya know , I go to houses all over Williamson county selling dirt that does'nt exist. Well , a lot of those houses have chairs in the back yards not being used , so , when no one is looking , I load them up into ole Bessy over there and I bring them here to sell.
BVD : Is'nt that stealing ?
Scott : Nooooooo ! Of course not. When someone says something , I tell the folks that I'm just borrowing them to sell.
BVD : How do you get away with this kind of corruption ?
Scott : Oh come now. It's just free enterprise. I mean , look at how many loads of dirt I sold in last year alone , and not once did I deliver the goods.
BVD : What's your secret ?
Scott : I think there's something in the water. People just don't understand I'm ripping them off.
BVD : Do people get offended with the Redneck sign ?
Scott : Ha Ha Ha Ha , no , this is Tennessee , remember ? Acually I put up that sign for the Mexicans.
BVD : What ?
Scott : Yeah , Ha Ha Ha , ya see , ya don't call Mexicans , Wetbacks or whatever , OK ? Butt , when ya call them a Redneck , they think they have been Americanized.
You can find Scott Revoir at Excel Constructors , 2048 Williams Road. If you can't find him , just call , 615 776 5070 or 615 533 6365
Sunday, May 27, 2007
A Memorial Day Feast
Franklin , Tennessee - BVD was enjoying a feast for a king. This is a standard MRE , which is what our fighting men and women , in the field , will have to enjoy this Memorial Holiday , while President Bush , enjoys the typical cuisine at The White House. Although Bush claims to be a veteran , I'll bet he never had the opportunity of sinking his teeth into this delicacy. BVD decided to share the contents with his readers.
This is the classic meal # 12 , also known ass scallop potatoes with apple sause. This meal has a heater , so you can have a hot meal in the desert , just add water. The down side is this emits harmful vapors. So , while the soldier avoids getting shot , they have to be careful where they heat their food. The turd looking thing is a chocolate browny. The white packet is a chemical thing that keeps it fresh in the package until opened. There are crackers recycled from WWII , complete with cheese whiz and the packet of condomints , comes with a green color. These meals also have Tobasco sause. If the soldier is'nt hungry for an MRE , the Tobasco is a meal in itself. Mmmmmmm ! Yummy.
The New BDU's
If you have'nt noticed , the camo uniform for the Marines has changed to a digital format which conforms to the close surrounds of the Marine in the bush. Also , the person's rank has been moved from the lapel , and down to the sternum. This helps to camoflauge a person's rank from a would be sniper.
Colonel Gibbs is talking about the controversial Dragon Skin. This is the latest in body armour , which is only allowed for high ranking personnel and is not intended for the lower ranks at this time. The Pentagon was quick to protect their cronies by banning Dragon Skin before any government tests were conducted.
BVD : Hey colonel , would you stand up so I can see your rank ? I'm having trouble counting your chevrons. Thank you.
Saturday, May 26, 2007
NASA Scientists Discovers New Frontier
Kennedy Space Center - BVD was on hand at NASA's Kennedy Space Center , Visitor's Complex , to see and experience first hand , the new frontier discovered by NASA scientists. Thirtyeight former astronauts from NASA's past , came to life for this grand event.
Young and Crippen , former shuttle astronauts , were in the command seats ass the simulator took off from the waiting lines of other visitors awaiting their turn.
Although NASA has been strapped for badly needed funds , 60 million dollars was found lying around in the slush fund , not drawing interest , so NASA officials decided to spend the money on a joy ride that goes nowhere for visitors to pay. NASA hopes to recoup their money by the end of this year.
Meanwhile , former astranaut Searfoss excitedly exclaimed , " We have'nt lost a single simulator in over one hundred simulated flights ! "
NASA officials hope the success of this system will lead to more federal money to buy more simulators. NASA has lost real 2 shuttles , complete with crews and has decided that real space travel will just have to wait for now ass President Bush can't get his act together for his moon mission program agenda. NASA officials are hopefull , they can simulate that without loss of equipment or life.
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
Franklin Getz New Name
Franklin , Tennessee - BVD learned that Jay Johnson has been getting testy about how Franklin manages itself and the public's outcry for his resignation. Jay Johnson has been running this town since the early 80's and up to now , no one has realy voiced concern until he quietly mentioned poisoning the beavers. In one of his brain farts , Johnson exclaimed , he would rename the town of Franklin.
Pictured is one of the possibilities he has been playing with.
Help ! Paula Fell Down
The world was in an uproar upon learning their favorite party animal fell down and broke her nose. Later , Paula gave an interview.
BVD : Paula , are you going to be alright ? Is there anything I can do ?
Paula : giggle and giggle some more - oh nooo , I'm fine , just fine.
BVD : What happend ?
Paula : Well ass everyone knows , I'm analistic , dyslistic and usually just plain drunk. While I was walking , I made the mistake of looking down and my eyes could'nt adjust and I saw tulips everywhere. I did'nt know which one was the real one. I mean I was literally walking thru the tulips and I tripped on my own foot , giggling , which caused me to fall and break my nose. Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha .....
Franklin , Tennessee - BVD News was in the streets , conducting interviews about neighborhood crime and why Franklin Police can't cope with it , when a monster 214 pound dog named Moz grabbed him by his ankle and started to drag him away. Fortunately , Kaden was close by , and , seeing the horror taking place , Kaden rushed to BVD's rescue. Kaden jumped up and down several times on top of old Moz , breaking BVD free from the jaws of death. Just before Kaden could put his knife into Moz's heart , Aunt Cheryl came running to Moz's rescue , and pulled Kaden off.
Saturday, May 19, 2007
New Orleans - the city has been spending money to bring back their citizens , now that the city is recovering. The biggest problem is that the former residents don't have the resourses to return. Insurance companies like State Farm have refused to make good on the policies. Meanwhile , President Bush has found the people to re-inhabit New Orleans. Yep , those illegal immigrants. Bush is passing a bill , to allow the illegals to pay 5,000 dollars to become Americans. This would allow them to recieve more Federal Aid money to allow them to move to the city and help with the recovery. And Bush added , there are jobs waiting for them also.
Is'nt it interesting that the illegals just happen to have 5,000 dollars of cash on hand ?
New Banker ?
Washington , D. C. - President Bush is considering Frist to become the next World Bank President. Afterall , Frist has been a world traveler and therefore he knows a lot about the current situations in other countries.
Well of course he has Bush. Frist has been out of the public's eye , while you used your lawyers to get Frist off those charges of insider trading with his stocks. Besides , it makes sense to bring in a man who knows about money , in charge of the world's money bank , right ?
Friday, May 18, 2007
President Kennedy's assasination has once again surfaced as the great murder mystery of all time. Actually , it's no mystery at all. When NASA was doing asteroid impact research , Kennedy's murder came to light and film of bullett impacts were studied. Oswald was not the trigger man. Instead , he was the go to man. Kennedy was shot from his front , not his rear , where Oswald was in the building.
The Secret Service ( SS ) and the FBI were both in on the assasination. This explains why Kennedy's autopsy was stopped. I wonder how much higher the American government goes beyond the president's level to be able to order an assasination ?
When you think about this even more , you begin to realize , that even the Secret Service answers to someone higher than the president.
I thought people were trying to be funny in an easy sort of way. It turns out they were being serious. Yes folks , Geiko's Cave Man now has his own show. Yes people , it's comedy done easy and in just 15 minutes.
Good Bye MRE
The United States Military - Anyone having served in America's military can tell you all about the MREs. There's the good , the bad and the ugly side of stories to tell about this sumptuous guormet food. Well , after 30 years of research , the MRE is no more. Nows there's the FSR - First Strike Ration , that is being distributed by the UGRE - Unified Group Ration Express. This is food for the soldier on the go. What's so unique is that it took 3 MREs to give the fighting man his daily bread. Now , it only takes one FSR to give the same amount of the daily dietary fighting requirements for the soldier on the go.
After the initial 30 year testing period , the FSR was finally battle tested in Afganistan on the local Afgans. One Afgan remarked , " This is so cool , just pull a ripcord in the box and 20 minutes later , you have a piping hot meal in the 120 degree desert heat. "
President Bush's father stated , " I like it because it does'nt contain asparagus. "
With no FSR related fatalities being reported in the last quarter , the FSR will be found down range for every soldier in time for Christmas.
Caught Bare Assed
Franklin , Tennessee - BVD News , it seems Jay Johnson just can't stay out of the news these days. His sister was caught mooning people while driving under the influence. Although the local police caught her bare assed inside her vehicle , she claimed there was no moonshine hanging out of the vehicle's window while driving and shouting , " You can't touch this ! "
Jay Johnson just happened to be in Massachusetts at the time this story broke and was unavailable to comment.
BVD has learned she has a long rap sheet for baring her ass in public.
Saturday, May 12, 2007
Franklin's A Sink Hole
Geologist : What makes you think this town is getting smaller ?
BVD : When you look at the taxes people pay for living here , everything around this town seems to get smaller.
Geologist : What do you mean ?
BVD : Well , take for example , have you seen how small the post office is , compared to the lines of people waiting for service ? Franklin Police are now stacking up cars while they give traffic tickets. It seems the police are running out of room to catch violaters. Have you seen the lines of people at Wally World. That used to be a really big store. Even schools are seen closer together. Their traffic jams are interfering with each other. And , there's no more space between traffic lights to park waiting vehicles on highway 96. I mean , it's like the more taxes people pay , the smaller Franklin gets. So , is it true ? Is Franklin getting smaller ?
Geologist : Yes , apparently the rumors are no rumor.
BVD : What have you found out ?
Geologist : For starters , we have discovered that half of the GPS co ordinates are missing on the land. The map shows they are here , butt , we can't find them.
BVD : How do y.....BVD gets interrupted
Scientist : WE FOUND IT ! ! BY GOD WE FOUND IT ! ! WE HAVE THE ANSWER ! !
BVD : What is it ? Is Franklin shrinking ?
Scientist : You see , this city is built on soft stratta layers. The paleo layers are crumbling under a massive load of unprecidented proportions
BVD : What is it man ? Out with it ! ! What does all that mean ?
Scientist : There's some man in city hall , calls himself JJ. Well , it seems there is a heavy tax burden on the people living here. Well , it seems this JJ has been converting those tax dollars into gold bullion. JJ has hidden all that bullion into every crack and cranny he can find down inside city hall. And , now , well , all that weight is causing the entire city to sink into the ground. You see , this town will literally fall in on itself from all that weight. Here , look at this map , you see , this is Columbia. This town should be 25 miles from this point.
BVD : Yes , I see where you are pointing on this map , butt what are you getting at ?
Scientist : Well , you see those buildings on the horizon ?
BVD : Why yes I do , when were those built ? I don't remember seeing those before.
Scientist : They have been built over the years. You see , that is Columbia.
BVD : So , Franklin really is going down , down and down ? Into what ? What becomes of Franklin ?
Scientist : It's just a matter of time now. Franklin will literaly become just another big black narley ho in space.
Friday, May 11, 2007
What's INAPPROPRIATE ?
I was told that some of this blogg's content concerning Vanderbilt University was inappropriate. WHAT ? ? ? Let's take a look at inappropriate Vanderbilt. Did anyone see NBC news last night ? There was a report of university officials giving fraudulant favors to themselves while giving students in need of financial aid an increase in monatary needs. ( hows that for PHd talking ) At Vanderbilt University , faculty within the financail aid department , are getting all kinds of kickbacks for steering needy students to certain lending institutions , while staying away from the legitiment institutions. Ass always at Vanderbilt , secrets will come out. Have you noticed the free advertisements in the hallways to the classrooms ? That's where one of the systems start. By using these forms , a faculty member gets 500 dollars for each successful applicant. Did'nt know that , did you ? And , that's just one scam. Another scam , you know the biggie days just before classes start for each semester ? There are representatives on campus selling wares for different companies , including reps for financial aid. Those reps have paid Vanderbilt faculty , under the table , to sell student aid to those in need. Read those words again. It says " faculty " , not Vanderbilt University. Now to me , that's some very expensive , inappropriate behavior on Vanderbilt's part. And yes , Vanderbilt officials know about it and of course they get a cut under the table for looking the other way. Now we have double the inappropriate behavior and it continues to grow ass you go up the ladder. Now do you get a picture ass to why student loans are sooo expensive ?
Today , Vanderbilt University has the highest tuition within the SEC. A student can get more of an education elsewhere for less , while getting more educated. It's true. At Vanderbilt , the student is also paying for the name brand. Vanderbilt has taken education and made it into an industry similar to fashion clothing. The buyer does'nt get more , just because they are paying more. It's all about the label and how it looks on the outside. Now do you understand why Vanderbilt spends 500,000 dollars on pine needles every semester ?
BVD : Woooow , Jerry. I need a PHd just to understand what I just read. How's my new Kalvin Klines ? Do ya think I'll fit in at Vanderbilt ?
Jerry : Sure , of course you will. At Vanderbilt , all you need is money.
A Knight's Tail
Franklin , Tennessee - BVD has learned there will be a real wedding at the Tennessee Renaisance Festival being held at Triune. The event will be held in period style and clothing. When Jay Johnson heard about the wedding , he ordered his squires to polish his armour and Franklin Police Officer Richards will be in charge of Johnson's Black Knights. Richards is well known for his ill temper and beating up any peasant who disagrees with him. JJ will be present to claim his Pre Ma Note' rights. And for the occasion , Jay Johnson has ordered all peasants within The City of Franklin , including all the lands of Triune , to remove all pictures of Officer Richards from all dart boards and axe throwing competitions. Anyone caught having baseball cards with Richards picture will be considered outsiders and that person will be thrown into the dungeon for later amusements.
Thursday, May 10, 2007
How Cheap is Cheap ?
Franklin , Tennessee - Alexander Dodge is having a sale. And , bring in this flyer and you could be the lucky winner of a 10 year old car that no one can sell. Alexander Dodge has continued in RC's footsteps by cheating folks needing a car. Today , they have body repair experts , who can make a crash car look like new.
Here's a tip : Don't give them your phone number. They will call you every 15 minutes to come on down and buy this car of your dreams before they sell it to someone else. When that does'nt work , they will put you on speed dial call up so you cannot use your phone until you buy. No joke ! ! !
Here's a tip they don't want you to know. At night , put the car of your dreams under their night lights. Any repairs and new paint will show up against the original paint. The repairs will not be reported and you won't find it on the internet. And NO , they will not tell you about any repairs. If this gets out , you won't get insurance.
Another tip : Never buy a car without checking with the insurance first !
And yes , Alexander Dodge is part of the Alexander ( Harpeth ) Ford family , so you already know you are buying a junk car.
Yes folks , it's true. Brad needs a stunt ass for his pitts. He is refusing to show his bare ass for the camera in his latest film because of the bullett holes , bite marks , tattoos and scars from making love with the Tomb Raider.
Tuesday, May 08, 2007
Vanderbilt Dean Galloway on Thackston and Speece
BVD : Dean , will you tell me about the big surprise Thackston and Speece have in store for open house ?
Dean : Huh ? Those two are at it again , eh ? Well , I don't wanna know.
New Williamson County Couples
BVD was looking over Williamson's newest news paper for the newest news in weddings. Here's the county's newest love couples :
Brittney saves Vanderbilt
Vanderbilt University , BVD News , Vanderbilt RAND was hosting the local chapter of the Tennessee Blogger Association , when a blogger accused another blogger of having clogging blogging blogs , which started a clogging blogging food fight blog. Vanderbilt University 's Blogging Police Department ( VUBPD ) was unable to contain the blogging violence. WKRN's blogger Manager Brittney was called in to settle the blogging thing down.
BVD : Brittney , what can you tell us ?
Brittney : Oh , it was horrible , just horrible , VUBPD officers were seen running from the building blogging and screaming , while another VUBPD officer just barely missed blogging his own foot off while blogging his own weapon
BVD : Wait a minute , I did'nt know VUBPD had blogging weapons
Brittney : They have paint blogs , anyway , I dragged my blog inside and I showed every blogger my cheery Monday morning facial blog , and they all just blogged down.
BVD : What happens now ?
Brittney : Everyone has been blogged to clean up that blogging mess and blog Vanderbilt their apologies
Friday, May 04, 2007
Franklin , Tennessee - Franklin Police have hired some new people. Say Hello to Officer Goebel. She is part of a new idea for Franklin Police to show their image in neighborhoods that don't know what a Franklin Police car looks like , while running radar. You go Girl ! !
New Green Idea
Nashvillans have come up with a new and alternative way for promotting green in town. All garbage pick up will be dumped on top of down town buisness buildings where it will not be scene. Nashvillians mayor , who did'nt want his name mentioned , stated , " The general's public is'nt allowed on top of these places for safety reasons. So , it made sense to place our garbage on top of these buildings where it won't be scene and besides , there's no out of county fees to pay a landfill and the garbage will breakdown with all the smells up in the wind. Also , with the taxes these buildings are paying , the realestate is already paid for. It's about time we started thinking outside the box. "
Earl Found His Place
Last night on My Name is Earl , everyone saw Earl find a job with co-workers who showed their colors while I sat on the couch sniffing and puuking with my TV Guide sniff and smell card.
I think last night's show was filmed in Franklin.
We can see Franklin's aldermen meeting in secret in back of their favorite restaurant , while a bust of JJ's mother looked on.
Jay Johnson spreads his love.
A JJ apprentice gets a little behind from a Franklin resident while he is'nt giving pointers.