Wednesday, January 26, 2011

 

Define Sexier Define Beauty

Franklin , Tennessee - Don't worry Robin , you still have'nt said anything worth mentioning and you still have'nt worn anything worth looking at. Sooooo , You can stop your hollering now.

So , when will CNN get back to being news worthy?


video

Monday, January 24, 2011

 

Hunting Malware

Franklin , Tennessee - if it is'nt Franklin Police "Side Jacking" your puter , it's someone else putting some kind of virus , Trojan or other Malware on your puter. I took a test drive on some anti this "n that and here's my opinion:

Spy Bot - I like this and the price is right. The plus side is their support that is second to none.

Avira - nothing BUTT garbage. It won't let you run some apps and/or simply removes them without asking. Does little good otherwise.

Norton - many don't like it because it takes over your puter , but then how else are you gonna watch for stuff? The people at Best Buy sell this all the time BUTT , those very same people wont use it on their own personal puter. What does that tell you?

Ad Aware - this thing will not catch a variety of problems. WOT even says their download site is a Malware problem in itself. In addition , there are some things it will catch BUTT can not remove. After you've had it a while , your puter will suddenly catch a cold and Ad Aware will demand payment to fix it or else.

Friday, January 21, 2011

 

Where do They Come From ?


Vanderbilt Trauma - you know how some people like to talk about other people and yesterday was just another one of those talking days , when people having nothing better to do , were talking about other people. Some how some where , the universal conversation turned to assholes.
People were asking each other , where do they come from ? Why are they here ? Are they the real aliens everyone worries about ? Are assholes the prelude to an invasion ? Are terrorists really assholes ? Which one does Dick Cheney qualify ass , a terrorist , an asshole or just a plain ole stuck up rectum?

Listening to this , I remembered stories about the Vanderbilt Trauma Manager , Sarah Hutchison. Before becoming the manager , Sarah was considered , by many of her peers , to be an excellent nurse , while working in emergency medicine. Butt , when the " Trauma Manager " position became open , her job performance went to shit and she was rumored to have been engaging in various sex acts with the suits. Apparently , she gives really good snow cones , per the gossip channel in Surgery 1B.

Well , wouldn't you know it , Sarah was hired in , ass the new Trauma Manager , with the former manager walking out the door stating , " He had had enough Vanderbilt Bullshit , enough Vanderbilt Crap and enough Vanderbilt Diarrhea , to outlast many lifetimes , over and over and enough over again. "
And then , one fine day , while sitting in her shiny , new manager's office , Sarah was heard , screaming her lungs out. The scene seen , was pieces of feces , covering the walls , her computer , the door and even on the people who came to help her. People could not stand up straight , for the shit on the floor or for the shit on their shoes and a scene hiding behind her desk , Sarah was seen , skulking and hunkering , down in a corner , her eyes big and bright and filled with fright , until finally , Sarah stopped screaming and began babbling to God about her rectum. " Pleeease God , oh please " , she begged. " Don't SHIT on me any more. Please , I'll do anything you want. " , she cried. " Please , God , please , don't SHIT on me again. Please God , oh please. " , she begged. " Please don't let my rectum, SHIT on me again. Oh please God , stop this SHIT. " , ass she cried , she continued her begging. " Please God , oh please , please help me , please make my rectum stop. I can't , I cannot , oh PLEASE PLEASE oh God , I just can not stand , any more of my own SHIT. " , she stated obtusely arrogant.

God did not answer her , perhaps the stench was just too over whelming. Instead , her rectum reared it's ugly little ass and said , " I'm the boss from now on. You hear me ? I'm the " Brains " around here. Now , you give me any more problems and I'll SHIT all over you again. Understand ? " Sarah nodded her pathetic little head in fearful submission , giving in to her rectum's demands ass her ass immediately traded places with her brain , which was cowering in the deep dark recesses where light nor even smells can not go. Yes , her ass was the boss now.

And from that day forward , Sarah has been a total asshole , to anyone and to everyone , including cats , the dogs and even the beaver tails. Hell , not even her lesbian lovers at work , or her neighbor's husbands at home , or even the dying Trauma patients , were exempt , from Sarah 's rectum's raging fits. Ass it threw shit in all directions , it farted ass it cried and so Sarah , let everyone in her little world know , that ass the world turned , her asshole turned too and since her ass was more important than patient care , she would not hesitate , to shit on anyone , who did not kiss her ass or suck her toes and she was good to her word on that !

Upon learning what kind of manager Sarah turned out to be , Vanderbilt immediately bestowed upon her , a well deserved 13 % pay raise , twice a year , with bonus incentives.

Now then , does this help answer those nagging questions about , " Where do assholes come from ? "

Thursday, January 20, 2011

 

WHY DO VANDERBILT PROFESSORS HAVE TENURE

Vanderbilt University and Medical Center - my my my , the questions I get about Vanderbilt.

Tenure basically provides a professor with a 10 year grace period during which he/she cannot be fired , period.
Vanderbilt of course , has gone the extra step to Ensure a professor can not be fired regardless of how long they have been around , just ass long ass they were tenured in the first place and today of course , tenure will transfer from university to university , thus allowing a professor to move around in search for better Pussy Hunting grounds.

Here's an example of how tenure works:

Once upon a time (you know a story is true when it starts with "Once upon a time" ) , a Vanderbilt professor got into trouble with some parents , claiming his art class was pornographic. The objectionable material was a simple water color showing a female's backside and nothing more. Despite not having a hint of ass or even tit in the picture , like a coin , this story too has 2 sides. In actuality , a co-ed's parents were complaining about this professor's manners in bed. It seems their child had allowed this guy to take her virginity and he was rather rough , tough and totally UN-professional about it , thus placing the parents in a rather uncomfortable and distraught frame of mind. Despite the fact these people had spread some money around , they were unable to hire the right person to fire this professor.

Now you know how Tenure works.

And to finally put a happy ending on this story while making everyone else happy in the process , it was finally agreed upon , the professor would attend in bed sensitivity lectures and the co-ed would have her virginity restored thru cosmetic surgery at Vanderbilt expense.

Tenure allows a professor to keep their job without any trouble. That's all there is to it. Now , any more questions?

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

 

TEXTING FOR SENIORS

Are you getting too old to spell out the words for a message? Have you forgot how to spell the words? Are you getting to old to even remember what you were doing? Well remember no more because now there's text messaging help for seniors.



Enjoy :)


TEXTING FOR SENIORS

Since more and more Seniors are texting and tweeting there appears

to be a need for a STC

(Senior Texting Code). If you qualify for Senior Discounts this is

the code for you:.

Please pass this on to your CHILDREN and Grandchildren so they can

understand your texts.

ATD: At The Doctor's

BFF: Best Friend Farted

BTW: Bring The Wheelchair

BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth

CBM: Covered By Medicare

CGU: Can't get up

CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center

DWI: Driving While Incontinent

FWB: Friend With Beta Blockers

FWIW: Forgot Where I Was

FYI: Found Your Insulin

GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!

GHA: Got Heartburn Again

HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement

IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?

LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out

LOL: Living On Lipitor

LWO: Lawrence Welk's On

OMMR: On My Massage Recliner

OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.

PIMP: Pooped in my pants

ROFL... CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing... And Can't Get Up

SGGP: Sorry, Gotta Go Poop

TTYL: Talk To You Louder

WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?

WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again

WTP: Where's The Prunes?

WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil

GLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In)


 

Interneters Beware of Malware

Franklin , Tennessee - if it's not the police trying to get "US" killed , it's someone out to get our information thru the internet using Malware and Spyware. Here are the latest threats to your computer and Smart Phones. YES your Smart Phone is your number one threat to your personal security and it's the 3rd most popular item that thieves are stealing these days.

MSNBC- yes people , the ever popular NBC tv company is also on the internet and it is a major threat to your computer. Hotmail sells your email address and also sells anything suspicious you send them. Do you ever look at your Junk Box and mark certain messages to send to MSN to investigate? That's right folks , MSN sells these to the person who sent you that message. Also , have you ever noticed some messages do not have your email address on them BUTT you still get them anyway? Yes people , Hotmail is on their side.

In the past I have always enjoyed looking at other folks Blogs BUTT now I can't even do that anymore. Take for instance , "patrified.blogspot.com". This blog puts something into your registry and takes down your puter.

I don't know what it is about AOL , but everytime I go there , my puter gets all kinds of infections while using Internet Explorer.

Just because you use Mozilla does not make you any more safer to surf.

Now a days , people are switching to Safari and guess what? The Malware is starting to pop up there as well.

There are several sites that offer picture service and they attach Trojans and Key loggers onto them and of course those pictures are shared around the world and this stuff gets spread along with them.

Of course , the one thing to look out for is being redirected away from the site you thought you were going to. Someone has made a mirror site for Ebay and so far , nothing has been done to correct it.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

 

HELP for WOLVERINE


Sometimes we all need a little help. For example , take Wolverine here. Once again , he's outta hot air. Can you figure out how to help him?

Wolverine: Help me , help me

Monday, January 17, 2011

 

Going International



Vanderbilt University Engineering School - BVD News - A blogger in France emailed this , saying it's based on Vanderbilt 's Engineering Professor Speece at the School of Engineering.

The idea was stolen from my blog.

Friday, January 14, 2011

 

VU Associate Wins genius Award


Vanderbilt University - BVD News that's better than anything The Hustler ever put out , associate professor Kenneth Catania has won a cool half million dollars for being a genius with mole brains. Although claiming he's not very smart , that other Tennessean paper said the money proves otherwise. Feeling guilty , Professor Catania came forward and disclosed the truth behind his achievements. Pictured with the professor is a unknown animal life form that Catania found by accident in Vanderbilt 's nuclear power plant located in Vanderbilt Medical Center North basement. Both were interviewed by David Letterman. The creature's I.Q. is a mathematical unknown , mole brains are it's main staple and although it's an illegal , he speaks the English language fluently
Professor Catania later remarked , " By feeding this thing mole brains , I've accumulated a bunch of recipes. Now that I've got this money , I can now become published and travel the world to teach people that mole brains are a culinary delight. "
When asked about his research , Catania responded , " Research ? What research ? I was cooking for this little guy because he was hungry. His favorite foods are mole brains. "

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

 

Vanderbilt Professor Can Afford New Gas Hikes


Vanderbilt University School of Engineering - BVD News instead of the Hustler - With gas prices reaching for the 5 dollar altitude , this sight was seen outside the engineering building this morning ass Professor Bowers tried out his new approach to buying gas for his old car.

Student: Is'nt that the same ole Homeless Looking Guy we saw on Frat Row last night trying to pick up us Co-Eds?
Another student: Hmmm , I can't really tell. All these horny professors look a lot a like to me. Oh hey , how are your grades so far this semester?
Student: What are you talking about? The semester just started.
Another student: Oh , that's right. Huh , well , I guess that explains why the professors have also just started hitting on us girls (giggling)
Student: (also giggling) Hee Hee Hee , Yeeeeaaah! I'm already expecting an " A " for Engineering Math 101
Another student: Oh wow , don't do that. For a moment I thought you were going to say you were expecting.
Student: (giggling) Not yet. I'm still looking for the "Right Professor"
Another student: Yeah (giggling) me too!

Monday, January 10, 2011

 

VANDERBILT SALARY GUIDE

Vanderbilt University and the Medical Center - I have certainly poked a lot of fun at Vanderbilt over the past few years and Vanderbilt has certainly been busy harassing me for it. Meanwhile , I really do get questions that are sometimes worth mentioning an answer. Take this one for example-

Question - Why does Vanderbilt habitually pay so low?

Answer - Typically speaking , the manager posting the job also controls the pay. It works like this: The less you pay those working under you , the more you make at the end of the year in bonuses. Here's how their little game works. Let's say a job position is allocated $10.00 dollars/Hr. for someone to work in your department. Since you manage the department , you have the authority to decide what to pay that lowlife degenerate. Let's say you advertise the job @ $7.00 dollars/Hr. and thus your in-basket becomes flooded with applications. During the interview process , it's your discretion to give more than the advertised pay or perhaps give a little extra to get the person you want. You know , let them think they negotiated a pay raise , BUTT , you and I know better , right? Many Vanderbilt Managers just pay what the listing says and Fuck'Em if they don't like it. There's always someone else willing to take up that empty space for some ridiculously stupid low hourly pay rate and besides , Managers also have those little extra selling incentives called Vanderbilt Benefits that look so incredibly great on paper , BUTT , they can't be used because in the real world , they don't exist.

NOW , here's the sweet spot for the manager. They can set that money aside and grab it at the end of the year for their bonus. That $3.00 dollars/Hr. adds up quickly at the rate of $120.00 dollars per week , I'm a telling you people , that money is all theirs'. HEH HEH HEH Of course , the Manager can also play with the books so they can give a much higher pay to their favorite Pets. You'd be surprised how many "Pet Clubs" exist inside the Vandy Bubble and the pay is ridiculously outrageous. An excellent example of a "Pet Club" is found on the Vanderbilt Trauma floor under the managerial direction of Sarah Hutchison.

Note: on the university side , employees are supposed to receive a minimum 5% raise which usually amounts to a nickle pay raise. Well , a nickle is 5% of a dollar is it not? This is Engineering Math101 stuff for crying out loud.


Note: Can you imagine the bonus for Managers having 10+ people in their department? What do you think the bonus will be for a Manager running a department having people filling 24Hr. shifts everyday of the week , rain or shine and regardless of holidays or someone's birthday.

OKay. Now you know the truth ass to why Vanderbilt is consistently and always Tennessee's largest, Number One lowest paying employer.

Next question please.

Saturday, January 08, 2011

 

It's Doing WHAT ! ? ! ? !

Franklin , Tennessee - BVD and I were PUBLIX shopping this morning , when a stampede occurred. Little ole ladies were trampled , people in wheelchairs were knocked over. Lesbians were climbing the shelves , screaming their fool head off , ass their lovers were torn from their grasp. Grocery carts were abandoned , ass piles of food began to spoil and abandoned babies cried out for their mommies. The store manager was lying on the floor , bleeding to death , from foot ruts across his chest. People were sword fighting , with the free PUBLIX umbrellas. People en mass , were outside , pushing and stomping on each other's ass , trying to get a better picture of the sky , using their cell phones. Heads were cracking under those PUBLIX umbrellas while those without an umbrella just cussed away. Vehicles were smashing into lamp poles. A fat woman was being dragged away by an SUV , her panty hose had snagged on the gas cover. Suddenly , everyone remembered the liquor store next door and the crowd went wild. The crowd of people was so thick , no one could come or go at the entrance , ass the sound of breaking glass was heard over the police megaphone. Yes , while watching the doors come down , Franklin Police decided it was best for them , to stay far and away from what was happening , scared for their lives and with no one to lead them. It was during this moment of public panic , while watching the wheels being stripped off the shopping carts , the police realized , TACO BELL was all alone and with the doors being open , something had to be done , like right now , ass in immediately , to protect private property for taxes. Soooo , they went to dinner. In the massive confusion , none of the WAM reporters , knew what to do. The only thing , WAM's top gun reporter , Mitchel n D'Kline could do , was spit on the ground , ass he watched his favorite police department chow down. What in the name of Hell was going on , ass Jay Johnson was seen , screaming at people to push him , while sitting on a piece of card board ?

It was snowing ! ! ! ! !

And would'nt ya know it. KA threw a snowball at his friend , JJ. Oh the horror that followed. Seeing BVD , JJ cried out for help. In spite of himself and being frozen to the ground , all BVD could do , was watch and laugh , saying , " DAMN ! ! A KODAK moment and no camera. "

You would think these Damn Yankees had seen snow before.

Thursday, January 06, 2011

 

CLONING AT VANDERBILT SUCCESSFUL


Vanderbilt University Medical Center - BVD News instead of The Hustler - It was announced today at the Med Center about the latest success in cloning.
Doc Morris said " We've already cloned engineering professors and decided to go to the next level. "
BVD asked if it could speak and Morris replied " No not yet , we may used too much of Chairman Thackston with the primitive primate primordial ooze , butt , we are still hopeful. Since Obama does'nt know anything about these experiments , Frist was able to get us another 5 billion for research. Currently , we are planning to clone a president that has the ability to think , butt , that project is years away due to problems with gray matter photosynthesis found to be benevolent in both Bush's and other forms of former president's DNA. "
Doc Morris declined comment about cloning more Blue People or even about rumors trying to help Cumberland University with it's own present day Thackston problem.

Wednesday, January 05, 2011

 

A Solution To Immigration

The immigration problem in this country has a solution. MAYBE


video

Tuesday, January 04, 2011

 

NEW EAR , NOSE , THROAT , PROCEDURE DEVELOPED at VANDERBILT


Vanderbilt University Medical Center - BVD First in News instead of The Hustler - Today , Vanderbilt announced a new procedure for examining people's ears , noses , throats and other areas of patient complaints.
For the past 10 years , people have complained about the ever increasing costs of health insurance which has been medically linked to an increase of patient complaints. Ass a way to examine the patient complaint further and deeper , Vanderbilt's very owned med students have developed several new invasive procedures guaranteed to get to the root of the complaining problem.
Pictured is first year med student " 12 Fingers " Smitty , from North Carolina. While probing a rich and famous celebrity cadaver in Vanderbilt 's Medical School , Smitty fingered and probed an undisclosed orifice and pulled out a money bag containing one million dollars. Professor Art quickly took credit for the find and for the development of the new examination procedures.
Smitty explained to the Hustler that these new E N T procedures are not covered under the provisional and conventional HMO's currently provided for Vanderbilt employee health care.

Monday, January 03, 2011

 

The Cost of Your Prescriptions

Franklin , Tennessee - getting to a serious note here. Everyone is screaming about their health costs and insurance going up , along with the costs of prescription medicines. There are people telling others where to go to get their drugs cheaper.
Well , here's the inconvenient truth of the matter. All pharmacies charge the same price. I'll say that one more time. All pharmacies charge the same price.
It's the difference in insurance companies that makes the pharmacies charge differently. You see , it's like this. Not all insurance companies are the same. Not all insurance companies negotiate with every pharmacy for drug pricing. That's why some people pay more for drugs than others. That's why some people can only get their drugs thru mail order and now Obama says we all will buy insurance so things will be changing for 2012.
Sooooooooo , here's what I did before writing this piece. Since I'm blessed and can go to any pharmacy and pay the same co-pay price , I wanted to randomly check what services the pharmacies provide around town. There's no preferred treatment here. Just the cold hard facts.

Bradley Drug Company , Phil Bradley , owner - located in Nashville , 383 - 2741. They stock a large inventory. If they don't have it , they will need 5 days or more to get it in. They DELIVER for free , even to Franklin. They will come to your house for the scripts , and the next day , they will return with your meds. You read correctly. Bradley DELIVERS for free. When you call they haul and you will get a real human being on the phone. Be patient , they are very busy.

Wal Mart - located in Franklin , 771 - 0391. They stock a regular inventory and it takes the following Friday to get what they don't have. When you call , you will talk to a real human being. They don't deliver so don't ask.

COSTCO - located in Brentwood. They have a 10 minute recording. I don't know if there is anybody home.

Allenhill Pharmacy - (things are screwy over there and I recommend caution when using them) 790 - 3885 Do not expect them to return your phone calls or notify you if/when your items are ready. Although next day service is available , don't get your hopes up that your stuff will arrive despite being told it's on order and will be here tomorrow. They do offer a home delivery service for a 5 dollar fee. Their driver is well known for being "Goofy" most of the time.

OK. There ya go. Just pick up the phone book and ask around what your drug will cost. Also , keep in mind , some drugs come in tablet ( pill ) AND sucker ( lolli pop ) form. Some drugs out there will make you cuss bloody assed murder because they are made with battery acid. If that's the case , well , " just add a spoonfull of sugar and hope the medicine will go down. "

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