AIMLESSLY UNBALANCED

Franklin , Tennessee , BVD News - with Franklin Police shooting and/or killing people , BVD was asked , " Is it possible to remove your own bullets , since I can not afford bullet removal insurance ? " And , with that question , BVD went to interview , fired and retired , former CID Lt. and Franklin Police Chief wanna be , Sargent Tim Taylor , to get the answers.
BVD : Thank you Mr. Taylor for seeing me.
Tim Taylor : Sure thing BVD. So , you want to know all about the fine art , of removing your own bullets ?
BVD : Yes Sir. My readers want to know.
TT : I got to hand it to you BVD. You always come thru for your readers. I know , because I read your stuff all the time. So , here we go. The first thing to do , after getting shot , is go home to Momma. Remember when you were little ? Your Mother somehow knew everything anout taking care of wounds.
BVD : Well yeah , she comes from the Bronx.
TT : Uh huh. Let's move on. I have asked The Franklin Police Crime Investigation and Re Enactment Unit , to perform a bullet removal for us.
Little Boy : Mom , Oh MOM ! I've been shot again !
Mom : OK. My Little Boy , just go and bend over the sink , just like you did the last time , remember ?
LB : OK Momma. Butt , this time , how about tending to the right hole. OK ?
Momma : Giggles. OK son ( laughing ) and playfully tugs on his ear.
LB : Oooooo MOMMA ! Not that hole. - his mom gets an ice pack and places it over the wound to numb the area.
Mom : OK son. Hold this ice pack in place while I go and get your favorite bullet removal knife.
She finds the knife and hands it to him. Very gently , Little Boy takes the knife and probes it into the wound. Wiggling and twisting , the knife looks around inside for the bullet. Finding it , Little Boy pries the knife blade up , pulling out minute pieces of tissue , the bullet falls out with a kinky clinky kind of metallic sound , ass it bounces around in the sink. His mother takes the knife away.
Mom : I'll just heat it up to a nice cherry color of red for you. Do you remember those cherries son ?
Little Boy : I sure do Momma. They tasted a little salty , butt they were sure tasty good.
Mom : OK son , do you remember when you stole that money from that mean ole drug dealer ?
LB : I sure do Momma. He caught up with me and gave me a chainsaw enema that I'll never forget.
Mom : Well son , when I put this red hot knife on your wound , you're gonna remember those feelings again. And the son does remember , ass the blade makes a sizzling sound while permeating the air with the smell of burning flesh.
Little Boy : OH YEAH. I REMEMBER NOOOOW ! ! ! ! !
Mom : OK son. Hey , hey , hey , what's the matter ? She looks into his tear filled eyes. What's my big boy crying about ?
LB : Because now , you are gonna waste some really good whiskey.
Mom : That's right. Would you prefer I use the rubbing alcohol ?
Little Boy : Uh no , the whiskey is a lot smoother and does'nt hurt ass bad.
Mom : Are you saying one chainsaw enema is enough for one day ? Winking at him :)
LB : Yeah Mom , something like that.
Mom : OK. You look pretty good. The bleeding has mostly stopped.
LB : Good job Ma , you've always done me good quality work.
Tim Taylor : Now , all you do , to wrap this up , is to get some sterile bandages or something clean to dress the wound. You can even boil some rags. Also , when wrapping the wound , remember not to wrap too tightly or you will cut off the blood supply and even crush some important nerves. And that's all there is to it BVD .
BVD : Thank you Tim. I knew you had answers for anything. Um , is there any whiskey left ?
TT : Unfortunately no. And one more thing. Remember to keep in mind to minimize blood lose. Otherwise , you would die and inherit a worm farm. Heh heh heh .