AIMLESSLY UNBALANCED

Franklin , Tennessee - BVD News was on hand for the presentation of the most Useless Award , being given to The City of Franklin Police Department. Receiving the award , on behalf of the police department , was their owner , operator and proprietor , Jay Johnson , Esq.
BVD talked with several people about the hard work , it took , just to qualify in the points. Here are the final choice reasons , ass to why Franklin Police were given this award.

1 - They've kept their pedophile from the public's radar
2 - Stealing the Red Cross' Christmas surprise
3 - Supporting Jay Johnson's Traffic Court system
4 - Helping to keep Franklin safe from encroaching unions
5 - Helping The City of Franklin , to maintain a steady average of 600 crime investigations per month for 2010
6 - Despite Officer Richard's hostile attitude towards the public , he was promoted anyway and received the Officer of the Year award in 2005 and 2006
7 - Franklin Police officers are accredited , for helping Jay Johnson maintain his Metro-Male appeal with Chief jackie :)
8 - Maintaining one of the state's largest , CALEA accredited kiddie porn libraries
9 - The court judges discovered Franklin Police detectives , use only Official CALEA Brand , approved and accredited , cameras , without film or batteries
10 - approved a new department building that resembles a jail without bars while spending 28 million dollars just for it's design ( this does not include architect fees , or Jay Johnson's new office floor )
11 - lawfully hunting deer with machine guns and tasers
12 - secretly killing beavers , to preserve Franklin's growth potential
13 - keeping drunk elephants off the side walks
14 - Franklin Police were seen playing bumper cars with police cruisers , without hurting anyone ( gives them something to do and helps keep them off the street )
15 - giving courtesies to their law abiding friends , including DUI offenders
16 - Tennessee's first police department to put bar codes on police badges. ( they are selling em like hot cakes )
17 - They use Saara Akaash reruns for training their S.W.A.T. teams in demolitions
18 - watching Saara Akaash reruns , gives Chief jackie , something meaningful to do with her office hours
19 - Traffic citations now have a police usage tax , plus a property tax , a vehicle usage tax , a gasoline usage tax , a city street service tax , a city street usage tax , a green fee for tree usage credits , a telephone poll removal fee , a Franklin Police Special School District Sex Education Class Act tax , a sales tax for crossing the Williamson County line and of course , state , city and local taxes
20 - Chief jackie gets advice from Tim Taylor
21 - The Banana Boy was last seen , sleeping in a Franklin Police cruiser , using empty pizza boxes for blankets
22 - While giving a tour of the old police department's complex at the square , to the Useless Award judges , Chief jackie had trouble finding the elevator , going to the 5th floor
23 - the last time a Franklin Police officer used a taser gun , it backfired , causing bullets to scatter across the floor
24 - Franklin Police Detective Dixon works diligently everyday , making his wedding plans to marry Monika Singh
25 - While Franklin Police Detective Dixon , was showing a judge , how to shoot a pistol , the little sparkle maker , quit making sparks
26 - Providing thieves with a safe and friendly work environment
27 - The only friends , Franklin Police have , are the ones they have'nt given tickets too.
28 - using FOP funds for Chief jackie's sex change to help him be more Metro-Sexually happy with JJ
29 - Stealing blood monitoring equipment from diabetics , who don't have insurance
30 - Stealing medical supplies from their neighbors
31 - Maintaining an accredited work ethic
31 - Protecting Jay Johnson from those evil do-gooders
32 - Using dead beavers for Taser practice
33 - Harassing people

It was noted , that typically , only useless celebrities are given this award , butt this year , Franklin Police out did themselves by scoring higher than Britney Spears. Also , it was pointed out in the acceptance speech , given by a proud , beaming and fatherly like figure , Jay Johnson , that Franklin Police's score was completely off the chart , beating out both Ms. Spears and Paris Hilton.
While speaking , Mr. Johnson also pointed out , that Franklin Police , has the honor , of being the first police department in America , to receive this award and that Franklin's former Mayor , Tom Miller , is an honorable mention. In his closing statements , Jay Johnson said , " I'm so very proud of my police department for doing an excellent job , of doing what I tell them to do. They all know , that if they don't , I'll fire them all and get some one else. And a special thanks to chief jackie , ya gotta love her , uh , um , him. "
The last time this award was given in this great State of Tennessee , was when Vanderbilt University's , Chairman Thackston , was declared legally and uselessly , dysfunctional in 1991.
The Useless Award , is based on the Useless Celebrity Index for the year 2007 , which is annually calculated compoundingly , by the New York Daily News.