AIMLESSLY UNBALANCED

Franklin , Tennessee - BVD News , Franklin Police are always looking for a few good men/women. Although Franklinites have been told , despite existing vacancies , the police won't be hiring anyone anytime soon , which explains why 3 candidates were recently hired ( according to WAM ) , to help fight the gang problem we were told , this city does not have.
Sooooo , if you think you've got what it takes , to be a Franklin Police Officer , here's the shortened list of the critically accredited acceptable credential limits questionaire ( just ask at the front desk for " The Cackle Test " ) you will need to succeed , once inside the Franklin Police Department :

Answer each question with a " Yes " or " No ". Only one answer per question allowed

Did your father breast feed you
Do you obey seat belt laws
Do you text while driving
Do you text while drinking
Do you text while having sex
Do you kiss ass to get ahead
Do you enjoy hurting people
Do you steal candy from children
Do you despise American Veterans
Do you enjoy making harassing phone calls
Do you enjoy having under age sex partners
Do you enjoy recreational drugs with your friends
Do you enjoy smoking something other than tobacco
Do your real friends not speak to you ( with good reason )
Ass a child , did your parents ignore you ( with good reason )
Do you have sticky fingers from Masturbating or are your fingers just normally sticky
Are you a Brown Nosier ( if you don't sport a Brown ring around your neck before the application process begins , don't worry , you will have a nice shiny one upon completion of an accepted and departmentally accredited training curriculum
Are you a compulsive thief
Are you a back stabber
Are you potty trained
Are you a liar

Cliff Notes : You may not change any answer , please don't ask to do so. Erasing IS NOT allowed on any electronic form. If you answer " No " to anything above , you could end your law enforcement career right then and there , along with any chance of ever being hired. Butt , if you think you screwed up an answer AND you still want in , don't worry. Just be happy and quietly let the examiner know ( slip the man a 20$ ) , that you are trainable and capable of learning something new.

Keep in mind , in addition to the above test , you must also pass two electronically digitized administered tests : The CALEA accredited adaptability and acceptability compliance pre-test and the departmental non-acceptability polygraph test for proving lack of non-compliance ( part B only ) , to factually confirm you meet or exceed all accepted and acceptable , credibility for non-accredited and/or/with all pre-meditative ( includes part A.1c ) , critical and qualitative pre-hiring requirements. ( Note : parts C w/B.1101 and D.a3b w/ q.091 - a , are now required by law by Congress. Be prepared to stay at least 8 hours )

Butt don't worry , the machine is broken and has'nt been fixed in years.